Education 

Domestic Violence:

• Does not necessarily have to be physical abuse
• Increases in frequency and intensity. It is not a one-time event.
• Can be lethal.
• Is NOT about anger, it IS about power and control.
• Is against the law.
• Can affect anyone from any race, socioeconomic group, gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc.

Domestic Violence is:

• A misuse of abuse and power in a relationship;
• When one person fears their partner;
• NEVER the victim’s fault;
• Dangerous and can lead to injury or worse;
• Detrimental to the victim’s health and self esteem.

Domestic Violence is not:

• About anger … it is about power and control;
• Normal or healthy in a relationship;
• A male trait … men and women can be either abusers or victims;
• Only a sociopath issue … many abusers can be normal, well-liked in their community, and even charming in public.

Domestic Violence occurs because of an imbalance of power and control in a relationship.

Although physical and sexual assaults, or threats to commit them, are the most obvious forms of domestic violence, there are many other forms of abuse that batterers utilize to maintain power and control. The regular use of such tactics, which can be reinforced by one or more acts of physical violence, make up a larger system of abuse. Non-physical forms of abuse are less easily identified, but unquestionably establish a pattern of intimidation and control in the relationship.

The Power & Control Wheel diagram shown here(pdf) is a helpful tool in understanding the overall pattern of abusive behaviors used by a batterer to establish and maintain control over a partner.

Use this list to help you determine whether or not your relationship has symptoms of domestic violence:

Your Inner Thoughts

Do you:

• feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
• avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
• feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
• believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
• wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
• feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Belittling Behavior

Does your partner:

• humiliate, criticize, or yell at you?
• treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for anyone to see?
• ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
• blame you for his own abusive behavior?
• see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Violent Behavior and Threats

Does your partner:

• have a bad and unpredictable temper?
• hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
• threaten to take your children away or harm them?
• threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
• force you to have sex?
• destroy your belongings?

Controlling Behavior

Does your partner:

• Act excessively jealous and possessive?
• control where you go or what you do?
• keep you from seeing your friends or family?
• limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
• constantly check up on you?

People who are in abusive relationships are frequently asked the question, “Why don’t you just leave?” The truth is that it usually isn’t that easy at all. The very nature of domestic violence is such that it becomes deeply engrained into all aspects of a victim’s life, which often leads to other issues such as social isolation and economic dependence on the batterer. Listed below are some examples of the barriers of leaving an abusive relationship.

• Lack of Financial Resources – The victim simply may not have access to money. They may have been prevented from working, or if employed, were made to hand over their earnings to the batterer. Even if the family has significant financial resources, the abuser may control all of the finances, not allowing the victim to have access to bank accounts, etc. For many female victims who do have an income, it is still not enough to support themselves and their children.
• Lack of a Support Network – Because isolation is such a large part of abuse, the victim may not have supportive friends and family to turn to, or if there is support, it may not be safe to go there because the batterer may have access to weapons and know where the friends and family live. In addition, the victim may not know about crisis line phone numbers or supportive community resources, or it is also possible that domestic violence shelters are fully occupied.
• Threats of Murder – In many, but not all, abusive relationships, batterers resort to physical violence, which may include threats and intimidation. In fact, the risk of homicide increases when a victim leaves an abusive relationship. Fear of death or serious injury is a very real and serious issue. An abuser may also threaten to commit suicide or harm others (i.e. the children).
• Social Stigma – There is a social stigma associated with being a victim of domestic violence, as well as with being divorced or a single parent. The shame created by these stigmas often makes it difficult for victims to reach out for help. Victims are sometimes blamed for the abuse or told that they deserved it, which creates additional barriers to leaving.
• Threats of ’Outing’ the Victim – Homophobia is widespread in our society and homosexuals suffer from many kinds of discrimination, which causes those who have not publicly admitted their sexual orientation fear doing so. In same-sex relationships the abusive partner may threaten to expose their partner’s sexuality to others, which may cause the victim to lose their support system, friends, family, job, etc.
• Religious Beliefs – Depending on how religious texts are interpreted, many religions can be used to support both liberation from abuse AND a husband’s control over his wife. Batterers may quote religious text to justify abuse. Click Here for more information on Religion and Domestic Violence.
• Immigration Issues – A batterer may choose to not file for the partner’s US citizenship, to withdraw already filed papers, or threaten to report them to the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS). Batterers might create language barriers by isolating the victim from people who speak their language, or preventing them from learning English. As a result, victims may not know how or where to seek help.
• Victim Blaming – A very common dynamic of domestic violence is minimizing the seriousness of the abuse, denying abuse is happening, and blaming the victim for the abuse. Outsiders may comment that the victim deserved the abuse, but many victims also think that the abuse is their own fault; that the abuse is caused by something they do to anger the abuser.
• Keeping the Family Together – Victims often believe that it is in the children’s best interest to keep the family together, especially when the children are not being physically abused. Many also fear losing custody and not being able to protect the children. But witnessing DV is often more traumatizing for children than a divorce or separation. Please click Here for more information about Domestic Violence and the Effects on Children.

Children living in an environment where domestic violence takes place are the silent victims of abuse; even when they are not the target of the violence. Almost all children are aware of violence taking place in their home, no matter if the incidents of abuse occur when the parents believe that the children are sleeping or out of sight. The children in such households are affected by this violence in many ways, and witnessing domestic violence can cause children to experience and feel, in their own ways, many of the same feelings adult victims do.

Children may experience some or all of the following emotions:

Fear 

At fault or responsible for the abuse

Helplessness

Anger 

Guilt for loving the abusive parent 

Anxiousness

Numbness 

Guilt for not protecting abused parent 

Sadness

Confusion 

Concern about the future 

Powerlessness

Insecurity 

Fearful of losing a parent

Children are also likely to be traumatized by the violence that they see and/or endure at home, and if not allowed to process their feelings, they may come to some of the following conclusions based on what they observe:

• I am not responsible for my disobedient behavior - Women have no rights
• I am responsible for my parent’s fights or arguments - My parent (the victim) can’t protect me
• Men have the right to control/discipline women - I am never safe and I shouldn’t trust anyone
• Using violence to solve problems is OKAY - Domestic violence is normal
• The abused parent causes and deserves the abuse by the other parent - I can get what I want by using intimidation
• It’s okay for me to abuse my parent too - Other people have the right to abuse me

Children may act out in many different ways when they don’t get the opportunity to express their feelings in a safe and healthy setting. Some children will act out only after they feel safe enough and not afraid of the violent parent (i.e. once a victim leaves the abuser or goes to a shelter). Following are some example of how children might act out:

• Regress: bedwetting, temper tantrums, baby talk
• Re-emergence of childhood fears and/or nightmares or trouble sleeping
• Acting withdrawn or unusually shy, and wanting to be invisible
• They may become overly anxious startling and flinching very easily
• Aggressiveness towards classmates, siblings, pets, or others more vulnerable than them
• Lying, stealing, and fighting
• Verbally or physically abusing the parent who is abused by the other parents
• Striving for perfection
• Taking on too much responsibility for their age (this may be aided by parental pressures)
• Demonstrating inability or refusal to play
• Poor academic performance, drop in grades, and becoming forgetful and careless
• Development of Eating Disorders
• They may become physically ill: stomach aches, nausea, headaches
• Lack of concentration or easily distracted Development of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) symptoms (Some children are incorrectly diagnosed with ADD and prescribed medication for ADD, instead of receiving the counseling and support they really need. Parents or guardians can help by informing counselors/physicians that your child has witnessed DV)

Some of the information on this page was adapted from Meg Crager and Lily Anderson’s Helping Children Who Witness Domestic Violence: A Guide for Parents.

• Call a domestic violence advocate for information, support, referrals, or advice.
• Listen and be supportive. Stay away from judgmental comments (i.e. “Why don't you just leave?”).
• Learn more about domestic violence and offer helpful information such as hotline numbers for local DV agencies.
• Keep any information that is shared with you confidential so you establish a network of trust.
• Call the police in case of an emergency or if you witness or hear any abuse ... this may save her life!
• Offer to safekeep important documents in case of an emergency (i.e. birth certificates, social security cards, etc.).
• Keep a record of all your interactions; this may eventually be helpful in court (i.e. dates, what happened, who was involved, etc.).
• Listen and be supportive. Believe your friend is telling the truth. This is perhaps the most important thing you can do for a victim of domestic violence.